when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
