My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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