I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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