i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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