I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
