how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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