just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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