fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
