He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
