Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
