you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
