Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
