I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.