Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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