I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
