why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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