Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
