I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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