Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
