True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
