textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
