we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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