there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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