Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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