Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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