Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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