she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
