are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
