He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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