I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
