My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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