life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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