I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
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Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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