I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
