we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
