I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
