Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
