Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
