Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
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apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!