i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.