it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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