i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.