Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
