i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
