He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
