yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
