Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
