Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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