Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
