If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
