Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
