you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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