I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
