Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
