Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
