Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
