I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
