turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
