god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
