My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
