god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
