last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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